Glamorous, I know. But don’t worry, this happened weeks ago and even though this gross eye-gunk is totally contagious, there is no way you can catch it online. I know you’re relieved.
You may be wondering, what kind of adult gets pink eye, let alone gives it to them self? This kind. Me. Molly. Molly-Liam’s mom. And actually, so do a lot of parents. Here’s the skinny:
- According to the CDC, pink eye has many causes… one of which is getting fecal matter in your eyes. You heard me right – FECAL. MATTER.
- According to my doctor, pink eye is one of the most common ailments passed between parents and children. If you are a parent (or a child for that matter) you totally get this – POOP IS EVERYWHERE!
So, if you need an excuse to stay home from work, or are just curious as to what having fecal matter in your eyes really feels like, just follow my lead:
A few weeks ago, Liam was totally hangry and tungry at the same time (hungry + angry, tired + hungry). It’s never a good combination, especially since he has recently started throwing himself backwards in my arms when he’s upset and convulsing like the chick in The Exorcist. Needless to say, it was time to nurse and go to bed, and I wanted to accomplish this as quickly as possible. But hold up – first, comes a diaper change. Yeah! NOT. This is the last thing Liam wanted to do. Me too. Cuz it just so happens he had just shat the shit of his life, complete with whole versions of what he had for lunch and dinner (you’re welcome for that). Needless to say, I was changing that diaper FAST… and I happen to skip a very important step… washing my hands after.
Here’s the deal – we live in an older home. It’s totally cute and full of charm and we love it, but it does not have a bathroom upstairs where the bedrooms are. And in an Exorcist/giant poop situation like the one I was dealing with, there was no way I was going to take the time to go all the way downstairs to wash my hands before giving the baby what he really wanted – a boob.
It just so happens, Liam’s poop was so bad that his poor little butt was red. So I did what any good mom would do, I put diaper rash cream on my finger, and then applied it to his poor butt. Next, I quickly put him in the cutest fuzzy jammies ever (like seriously, OMG I love Carter’s), pretty much RAN to the rocking chair, stripped like a pro and gave that kid some milk.
And that’s when it happened. My eye itched. My fucking eye itched. AND I FUCKING ITCHED IT! WITH THE FINGER THAT HAD JUST BEEN IN MY KID’S BUTT CRACK! The minute I did , I knew I was screwed. And sure enough, two hours later my eye was red and itchy, and the next day I had nasty goobers in it. Blah.
Not wanting to spend the time or money to go to the doctor and get eye drops, I used breast milk as a natural remedy (weird, I know – but Google it, it really works), and it cleared up in about 5 days. But holy-moly, I learned my lesson, and I hope you can learn from it too:
NEVER TOUCH A BABY BUTT AND THEN TOUCH YOUR EYE. Ever. Like not even if you are eye-curious or something. Just keep that shit to yourself, literally – cuz pink eye spreads fast.