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Cautionary Tales of Toddler Hazards

At 18-months old, Liam is busy in his own careful, cautious way – but the poor kid just keeps getting his ass handed to him on a daily basis by hazards known only in the World of Toddler. Thus, I give you:

Cautionary Tales of Toddler Hazards
1. Footie pajamas. Yes – they are adorable. Yes – they are fuzzy and warm. But dude, they are also slippery. Not the best match for hardwood floors. Liam has become an expert at the splits. Toddlers everywhere, be warned.
2. Spicy foods. I hate spicy foods. Despise them – like it’s pretty much a health hazard for me. That is how much I can’t handle the heat. Awesome husband is the exact opposite – he adds hot sauce and jalapenos to practically everything. Cue the little wandering toddler hands at the dinner table…. don’t eat off Dad’s plate. Seriously – you regret it EVERY. TIME.
3. Slides. Well, I should specify… wet slides. We went to the park after it rained… Liam wanted to go down the slide by himself… I didn’t bat an eye. This thirty-year-old hasn’t gone down a slide in like forever and forgot that water transforms an otherwise normal slide into an amazingly fast and awesome slip-and-slide. Well, awesome only if you are not 18-months old and only if you are expecting the ride. Oops.
4. Hills. Any kind of hill. It doesn’t matter – grassy field, paved sidewalk, hell, it could be made of fucking rubber and it wouldn’t matter. My kid will sprint down the incline at full-speed and I guaran-fucking-tee he face-plants and comes to a skidding stop. Ever heard of rug-burn? Well, this is pavement burn – and it ain’t pretty.

face plant

Poor, Liam. He just can’t win lately. And I’d really like him to win… just once… at least so his little face can heal. At least he’s still smiling. I can’t wait until he’s more steady on his feet! That does happen, right?

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10 Reasons My Kid is the COOLEST

Ready…. GO!

1. He loves reading. He doesn’t want me to read to him, but give him the book and away he goes telling you all sorts of stories in language known only to him.
2. He “hugs” animals in said stories. If there are pictures of animals in a book he’s “reading” he stops, leans forward touching his cheek to the page and “hugs” them. OMG. Be still my beating heart.
3. He tries to help with diaper changes. Umm….. thoughtful, but please, just keep your little hands outta the mess down there.
4. He does a Happy Dance. If you’re familiar with “the Molly” dance, it is very similar. If you’re not, well, too bad. You have to see it in action to even start to comprehend its awesomeness.
5. Every time our phones beep when we get a new text message or email, Liam shouts “uh-oh!” and runs to the phone. He obviously understands the importance of timely text response. 😉
6. Not only does he keep hats on his head unlike most 18-month olds, he actually likes wearing them. LOVES it. His shoes too.
7. He likes brushing his teeth. This needs no further explanation.
8. The kid laughs when he farts and burps. Got gas? At least you got a sense of humor.
9. He sings when he wakes up in the morning. Who needs nature with birds singing when you got a kid in a crib singing his fucking heart out?
10. And number ten…. clearly the most awesome of all: He asks to go to bed. I’m not fucking with you here… the kid ASKS to be put in his crib and put to bed. Lately, he doesn’t even want a bedtime story or to snuggle. He just runs to his crib and tries to climb in. I’ll ask him if he wants to go to bed, he’ll shout “YEAH!” – so I’ll put him in and he lays down and goes to sleep. Yeah, my kid fuckin’ rocks.

shoes and sunglasses