At 18-months old, Liam is busy in his own careful, cautious way – but the poor kid just keeps getting his ass handed to him on a daily basis by hazards known only in the World of Toddler. Thus, I give you:
Cautionary Tales of Toddler Hazards
1. Footie pajamas. Yes – they are adorable. Yes – they are fuzzy and warm. But dude, they are also slippery. Not the best match for hardwood floors. Liam has become an expert at the splits. Toddlers everywhere, be warned.
2. Spicy foods. I hate spicy foods. Despise them – like it’s pretty much a health hazard for me. That is how much I can’t handle the heat. Awesome husband is the exact opposite – he adds hot sauce and jalapenos to practically everything. Cue the little wandering toddler hands at the dinner table…. don’t eat off Dad’s plate. Seriously – you regret it EVERY. TIME.
3. Slides. Well, I should specify… wet slides. We went to the park after it rained… Liam wanted to go down the slide by himself… I didn’t bat an eye. This thirty-year-old hasn’t gone down a slide in like forever and forgot that water transforms an otherwise normal slide into an amazingly fast and awesome slip-and-slide. Well, awesome only if you are not 18-months old and only if you are expecting the ride. Oops.
4. Hills. Any kind of hill. It doesn’t matter – grassy field, paved sidewalk, hell, it could be made of fucking rubber and it wouldn’t matter. My kid will sprint down the incline at full-speed and I guaran-fucking-tee he face-plants and comes to a skidding stop. Ever heard of rug-burn? Well, this is pavement burn – and it ain’t pretty.
Poor, Liam. He just can’t win lately. And I’d really like him to win… just once… at least so his little face can heal. At least he’s still smiling. I can’t wait until he’s more steady on his feet! That does happen, right?